So these last few weeks have really shaken the ground beneath me and I am not going to lie. I was not sure if I even wanted to blog about this because quiet frankly it shows I am weak in myself but with faith for others. I heard an amazing sermon that said “Talk is not cheap.” and “Words are expensive so spend them wisely.” This sermon suggested that you reach out to someone and say what you need to say. Not sure who I am supposed to speak to so I am making a very private confession via blog because I have not done a blog in a while and it quiet frankly the widest net I can cast. I know that I have to speak because what happened two weeks ago is not for nothing- it is for now and for someone, not just me.
Two weeks ago, I was on my way to Boot Camp as I always do on Monday trying to keep the old temple in shape. I told Tim on the way I do not feel well and began gagging. Truth be told I had stomach issues on and off for the last 5 years, and I just thought it was my diet so with weight loss this should have improved but still I had moments of gagging (sorry to be so graphic. So I proceed to Boot Camp to sweat it out- work through the pain and at the end of this massive sweat session I felt better and hungry- so I went home and at dinner.
Two hours later a pain that I can only compare to what I think a Heart Attack would feel like came over my body- I was so very ill and immediately thought- “ I am dying. ” I told Tim we needed to go to the ER. As I lay flat in the car, he is driving like a maniac and we arrive at the hospital – in process he had called a very dear friend who left his family to come meet us at the ER. I am going to skip the whole Tim cutting off an ambulance and police officer portion- but it was interesting to say the least. Fast forward to the ER – as I feel like my heart is exploding and I cannot see an end to the pain – truth spills from my mouth and I say - “ I feel so weak, why is it that my mind goes to such a negative place when my health is in question and I have so much faith that God will heal other people but not me… it is not right.”
I could not shake this truthful thought– all the times I have seen God come through in a way that would make even a non believer – believe: however, my case was an exception and I for whatever crazy reason was disqualified from God’s promises. I kept thinking to myself- I am a child of the most high God and I excuse myself from His blessing because of the thoughts and words that come from my mouth in my situations; however if a friend is in trouble I have no problem claiming faith over his/her situation with no question in Gods ability to hear and answer that prayer.
In the end a whole week of pain, ended in surgery that removed a very angry gall bladder. That Sunday I walked the block and went to church- ironically this message is on Sabotage. That Monday against everyone’s better judgments (stitches and all), I went back to work and to Boot Camp- and did this every day working through the pain and insecurities that crept into my head. A lot of people wonder why I went to workout so quickly after surgery- and to be honest it is not because I felt like it. The reason I did was because of the inner voice that kept saying I was weak, and I needed to know I was brave. I am on the upside of recovery and have a colonoscopy (I have this every 3 years because of a strong family history of colon cancer and prevention is everything) in November, and other doctor appointments that are overdue and have been because of fear and finances. I want to be brave but those voices are still there, but I am still pushing and trying to be brave and remember that Gods promises are just not for those that I pray for – they are also for me.
I am not sure why I am typing this, but I know that even if no one else needs to hear this – I certainly do. I pray that God continues to cover me with his favor and mercy and I thank Him that I am so fortunate everyday to get a new dose of His extreme grace and love in my life.
10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.11 “All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish.
12 Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them. Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all.13 For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you rejoice in the Lord and glory in the Holy One of Israel.
2 Timothy 1:3-7
3 I thank God, whom I serve with a pure conscience, as my forefathers did, as without ceasing I remember you in my prayers night and day, 4 greatly desiring to see you, being mindful of your tears, that I may be filled with joy, 5 when I call to remembrance the genuine faith that is in you, which dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice, and I am persuaded is in you also. 6 Therefore I remind you to stir up the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands. 7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.